Tag Archives: providence

When I Stopped Writing… Lessons learned in the shadows

Posted on by under Faith

I have always dreamed of being a writer.

When I was four, I wrote my first book – complete with construction paper cover and illustrations. I was an avid reader before entering Kindergarten. The more I read, the more I felt compelled to write. I filled journals cover to cover with my thoughts, ramblings, heart-pourings, and poems. By the time I was ten, I wrote a short novel, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish the last chapter (knowing the fate my hero would face was too painful.) And here I am now – 32 years old, and the burning desire to write is stronger than ever.

Several years ago, I stopped writing for a time. Here is why and what I have learned.

Since childhood, writing has been cathartic – even therapeutic.  I use it as a method of putting my thoughts in order. It was a tool to help me learn to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5b) by taking inspiration from Davids style of writing.

Many of the Psalms written by David follow a pattern. He uses writing to pour out his heart and find expression of the pain, frustration, fear, and depression he is facing. And then he focuses his thoughts – and pen – towards God: His character and statutes. By doing so, he is able to find solace and emotional healing in resting in God’s Sovereignty.

But even good things can be marred and tainted because of sin… even something as seemingly innocent as writing in a journal. 

During a particularly dark period of my adult life, my writing became increasingly self-focused. I poured my heart out on paper, each line dripping with the intense sorrow that comes from a deep depression. It felt good to empty out the emotional torment. I thought I would burst if I didn’t.  I trusted that feeling and relied on my emotions to determine the truth of my situation, believing the lie my sinful heart spoke.

“The heart is more deceitful than all else, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”  (Jer. 17:9)

In doing so, I allowed my focus to be inward instead of focusing on Christ. It was hard – it is such a discipline to stay focused. Our sin nature constantly is driving us to focus on our self – driving us towards self-idolatry.  Focusing inward made the darkness of depression all the more unbearable. Which turned into a vicious cycle – of needing to write all the more and being driven deeper and deeper inward. I was spiraling out of control.

The Lord placed several things in my life then that drove my writing to a screeching halt. I bucked against it – I was even bitter about it. But various circumstances would arise to keep me from sitting down and writing.

I was so focused on my pain that I couldn’t see God’s mercy in the moment.

God is safe to trust but I didn’t believe it was true for me. So I wallowed in the muck and mire of self-idolatry. The Lord was so merciful and patient with me. I wanted to hold on to my pain and find comfort in the shadows of depression – but God wanted me to find comfort, rest, and solace in Him. He wanted me to understand that the suffering was for my good, my very sanctification, and for His glory.  Even though I don’t always understand why, I can trust Him.

So five years ago I started writing again. Writing is still a balm to my soul. And now I write so that I can help others know Him more – because that is all that matters anyway.

Study of Davids Life – 1

Posted on by under Sermon Notes

My Notes – Sunday School – 5-20-12 – Bro Gary’s Homebuilders Class

1 Samuel 16:16-23  “Let our lord now command your servants who are before you to seek out a man who is skillful in playing the lyre, and when the harmful spirit from God is upon you, he will play it, and you will be well.” 17 So Saul said to his servants, “Provide for me a man who can play well and bring him to me.” 18 One of the young men answered, “Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence, and the Lord is with him.”19 Therefore Saul sent messengers to Jesse and said, “Send me David your son, who is with the sheep.”20 And Jesse took a donkey laden with bread and a skin of wine and a young goat and sent them by David his son to Saul. 21 And David came to Saul and entered his service. And Saul loved him greatly, and he became his armor-bearer. 22 And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, “Let David remain in my service, for he has found favor in my sight.” 23 And whenever the harmful spirit from God was upon Saul, David took the lyre and played it with his hand. So Saul was refreshed and was well, and the harmful spirit departed from him.”

  • Grace = unmerited favor
  • There was grace evident in Saul’s life
  • It is easy to think that some people don’t deserve God’s grace. How often do we want to say “God is through with you, get out of my life.” Etc
  • NO ONE deserves God’s grace
  • God called Jesse
  • God is developing the inward man. We have to look inward, not on the outward appearance. God will take care of the external!!
  • Why did the Spirit of God leave Saul?
    • The Holy Spirit can’t leave Christians. This was before Pentacost. So in the Old Testament the believers weren’t actually indwelt with the Holy Spirit.
    • In the Old Testament the Holy Spirit “came upon” people, like Samson
    • The Holy Spirit works differently today. He now indwells believers. That is “being filled” with the Holy Spirit
    • Vs 15-16 –“And Saul’s servants said to him, “Behold now, a harmful spirit from God is tormenting you. 16 Let our lord now command your servants who are before you to seek out a man who is skillful in playing the lyre, and when the harmful spirit from God is upon you, he will play it, and you will be well.”
      • God gave permission to the demons to come upon Saul. The devil and his demons have to ask permission for everything they do. God will ALLOW us to go through some difficult times, even being tormented and tried, but if we rely on Him, He will provide the grace we need to get through it
        • Saul did not rely on the Lord. He disobeyed. He didn’t listen to Samuel
        • Saul did what he wanted to!
        • Saul ignored Samuel
  • Because of his willful disobedience God removed His anointing and allowed an evil spirit to oppress him.
  • The servants of Saul could see this. They told him to let him command them to go find someone to heal him. God used David to thwart the demonic oppression.
    • This was the grace of God in Saul’s life
    • The servants knew about David
    • It was PROVIDENTIAL – not an accident that David was chosen to play his harp for Saul
    • Be very aware of the people around you. God has placed each of them in your life for a reason. It is no accident who God puts in your life
      • We should share what God does in our life because God may be using you to bring grace to other peoples life
      • Relationships are VERY important!!
      • Be obedient to the Lord
      • Be attentive to the people around us
      • Vs 17-18 “So Saul said to his servants, “Provide for me a man who can play well and bring him to me.” 18 One of the young men answered, “Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence, and the Lord is with him.”
        • God brought grace to Saul through David
        • God rejected Saul and chose David yet still urged David to show Saul Grace. This shows us that God will choose an unlikely way often to show us His Face.
        • “and the Lord was with Him”
        • A long list of characteristics (vs 18) …. And David was supposed to step into this role. We need to be preparing for developing the character of God for Him to use us.
        • Vs 21 “And David came to Saul and entered his service. And Saul loved him greatly, and he became his armor-bearer”
          • David was prepared to minister to Saul
          • God was gracious for giving Saul a heart for David.
          • God will work in the heart of people – even when they stray, He is working in their hearts!
          • David became the armor bearer. He stayed very close to the kings presence. When Saul fled the presence and will of God, God loved Saul and said “you will not run from me” God wouldn’t let him flee. He sent David to be continuously in his presence.
          • Vs 23 the grace of God = David’s life was used to minister when the demons afflicted Saul, David played his harp and Saul was relieved. God was gracious and gave him someone to give him relief
          • Grace = unmerited favor to us from God

1)    Do not overlook the grace of God in our life

2)    We serve a God of grace

3)    Be Grateful!